“Pakistani culture visits the crimes of the child on his parents. I would shame them more than myself. It would be them, not me, at the forefront of public scorn and ridicule”, writes Mohsin Zaidi in this powerful memoir, and to understand this is to understand the entire nature and timbre of his dilemma, and it’s subtly and significantly different to most coming out narratives in the West. Certainly, in my own case bringing scorn and ridicule to my parents was the least of my worries, coming from a white, secular, working class family. Zaidi is the first son, first generation of Pakistani immigrants who settled in Walthamstow, East London.
A Dutiful Boy begins with the words of James Baldwin: “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced”, a sentiment to which the narrative that follows bears witness. Like many queer Muslims raised in the West and/or with Western, secular values, but who come from firmly religious families, with devout, traditional parents, Zaidi’s life has been one of profound conflict, knowing, as he did, from a young age that his sexuality and his self were greatly at odds with the cultural and familial expectations placed on him as the dutiful eldest son.
One of the most touching aspects of the book is portrayal of his parents’ struggle with this challenge to their sense of tradition, how they balance their faith with their love for their boy, Mochie. The journey to acceptance being navigated here is not singular, not just Zaidi’s. His parents traverse quite an intense emotional trajectory, too. There’s a scene with a witch doctor that’s chilling.
As Zaidi navigates all these conflicts and contradictions in his life, first at school then at Oxford, studying law we get an insight into his strength of character as he encounters racism on the gay scene, as well as homophobia at home and islamophobia just about everywhere. At one point the family home is set on fire. You really root for him and cheer his small victories as his duty to himself and his own well-being takes precedence. It’s a compelling read.
The importance of narratives such as this can’t be overstated. Along with Paul Mendez’ Rainbow Milk, Saeed Jones’ How We Fight For Our Lives, and Ocean Vuong’s On Earth We Are Briefly Gorgeous, Zaidi’s book provides an insight into the experiences of queers of color. Queer lives are complex and messy, contingent and individual, but also collective, and these narratives prove, as James Joyce once said, “In the particular lies the universal.”
Whilst unlike Saeed Jones or Ocean Vuong – both of whom are poets – the prose didn’t set me aflame and make my syllables quiver, it’s nevertheless full of brutal, clear-sighted detail and honest emotion tempered by serious reflection.
Mohsin Zaidi Author of ‘A Dutiful Boy’ published by VINTAGE, Penguin Random House Aug 2020.
Zaidi grew up in a devout Muslim community in East London. He was the first person from his school to go to Oxford University where he studied law. Mohsin has worked at a UN war crimes tribunal in The Hague and at the UK’s Supreme Court. Today he is a criminal barrister at one of the top chambers in the country and works on a number of high profile cases. He is an advocate for LGBT rights, BAME representation and social mobility. He is on the board of Stonewall, the UK’s biggest LGBT rights charity and is a governor of his former secondary school. Mohsin appears as a commentator on Sky News and has previously written for Newsweek.
Review by Jonathan Kemp
Queerguru London Contributing Editor Jonathan Kemp writes fiction and non-fiction and teaches creative writing at Middlesex University. He is the author of two novels – London Triptych (2010), which won the 2011 Authors’ Club Best First Novel Award, and Ghosting (2015) – and the short-story collection Twentysix. (2011, all published by Myriad Editions). Non-fiction works include The Penetrated Male (2012) and Homotopia?: Gay Identity, Sameness and the Politics of Desire (2015, both Punctum Books).
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Labels: 2020, gay Muslim, Jonathan Kemp, memoir, Mohsin Zaidi
